


Those three little words

by ChariteFanfiction



Category: Charité | Charité at War (TV)
Genre: Fanfiction, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26267473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChariteFanfiction/pseuds/ChariteFanfiction
Summary: Stories about Martin and Otto after the war.
Relationships: Otto Marquardt/Martin Schelling
Comments: 28
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys:)  
> I came across Charité at war some days ago, and fell in love with Martin/Otto immediately.  
> Please excuse grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm not used to write english texts and thought I would never do something like this by choice, but here I go. I would really enjoy, if you give me some feedback, so I know what I can improve.  
> I hope you enjoy reading my little story!

While hurrying through a narrow corridor at Charité, Martin thinks about what he would rather prefer doing in that moment. He would really enjoy sitting at Otto’s bedside, holding his hand, and taking care of his state of health not to worsen. Unfortunately, there is way too much work to do and it is definitely not a good idea to show their relationship in public, even after the end of the war.

It’s been three days since Martin has found Otto in the attic, accidentally been shot through the window. Otto had been so seriously injured, that Martin already thought, that he had lost him then. But Martin was wrong. Otto is alive! This simple thought makes Martin keep going, even if the chaos and the endless work threaten to suffocate him. And the relief about the end of the horrible war didn’t last for long. From day to day, from second to second, the dimension of destruction gets more and more visible. There are so many injured people coming to Charité begging for help, but even there, everything is rare. Nearly the hole hospital stuff is at work around the clock, without any longer breaks. Martin can’t even remember when he had the chance to sit down for a moment. He sighs while searching for fresh compresses. Not an easy task in these days. 

“There’s neither enough space nor enough beds for all patients. We can’t take any more patients in here…” Martin can hear the head nurses voice. He sighs again, before continuing with his work.

After delivering the compresses successfully, Martin spots Margot Sauerbruch sitting on a small chair, seeming to fall asleep every moment. For a second, Martin looks around, seeing injured people everywhere. Some of them sitting on the ground due to lack of beds.  
Suddenly an idea pops up in Martins head. It’s a stupid idea. It won’t solve any of the problems, but it is far better than watching the situation worsen, without doing anything. Martin tries to suppress a pained moan, while limping towards Dr. Sauerbruch. His leg does definitely not enjoy being locked up in the prosthesis for so long. 

“Dr. Sauerbruch!” 

“Martin, what’s up?”

“There are not enough beds for every patient. If Ot… Mr. Marquardt slept on the mattress in the prosthesis workshop, then we would have one more…”  
Martin stops. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Which difference does one single bed make, when hundreds are needed? Margot Sauerbruch sighs, then nods, surprising the nurse. 

“One bed is better than no bed. But where do you sleep then?”

“A few blankets are enough for me.”, he points out truly, but Margot seems to interpret his statement in her way, smiling knowingly. Panic runs through Martin’s veins, taking his breath away. Even if the Nazi-regime is not longer in power, a homosexual relationship is still against the law and definitely not accepted.

“Martin, keep calm. Everything is alright, ok?”

Martin nods slightly but does not relax at all.

“Bring Otto to the prosthesis workshop and then take a break. You can’t even stand properly anymore.”, she points out, commenting on his tense posture. Martin takes a deep  
breath to contradict, but Dr. Sauerbruch is faster. 

“Don’t argue, please. I don’t want to see you here until tomorrow morning. It doesn’t help anyone when our nurses collapse from exhaustion.”  
Martin nods gratefully, before hurrying to bring Otto to the prosthetic workshop.  
***  
In the middle of the night, Otto awakes from a deep sleep. His glance slowly wanders through the untidy storage room. He can’t really remember that he was brought to the prosthesis workshop. A small light brightens the tiny room and a warm feeling spreads through Otto. The war is over! The pointless killing has come to an end! It takes some time until the young man realizes a warm touch at his neck. He turns his head slowly towards the wonderful feeling and his heart skips happily as he spots Martin sitting next to him on a low chair. Martin really is here! The days before, the two of them had not seen each other often. Martin had much work to do and all the other people in the sickbay disturbed their privacy. But they are alone now! Otto just watches his sleeping companion for a while. Martin looks so much younger when he is asleep, when he is completely relaxed. Then Otto’s heart begins to ache. The nurse in front of him is barely 26 years old, but the war and his bad experiences: the arrest, the front, losing his leg and the weekly interrogations, have taken its toll, making him look and behave much older than that. Otto doesn’t want to think about this right now. Instead he looks back at Martin and enjoys watching the man he loves. Martins glasses sitting askew on is nose, the leg with the prosthetic stretched out to relieve it a bit. Otto wonders how cute someone can look while being asleep and then reaches out slowly to grab the nurse’s hand at his neck, before he starts to kiss it slightly. 

“You are awake!”, Martin mutters sleepily.

“Yes. In opposite to you, I am.”, jokes the younger one but immediately regrets his chuckle, when a sharp pain radiates from his injury. 

“What’s up?”, Martin comments concerned on Otto’s pained facial expression.

“It’s all right. Don’t worry. I just think that the effect of the painkillers is fading away.”

“Otto, there are bad news then… Charité has not enough analgesics for all patients and… you are dealing well enough, so that others have priority now…”, the older one points out gloomily.

“Ok. I think I’m able to cope with the pain… Furthermore, I can imagine something far better than any painkiller.”

Martin looks questioningly.

“If a certain Martin Schelling would lay down beside me and hug me, I promise I could forget about everything bad in this world.”

Both smiling affectionately at each other.

“Then I would say, I do everything that helps you… But first of all, I’ll bring you something to drink. Your slight fever is dehydrating you.”, Martin says in his usual strict tone he uses while being at work.

Otto sighs fondly as the nurse carefully brushes some hair out of the younger’s face. Then Martin stands up, gritting his teeth, before hobbling off to get Otto some water.

“You are in pain as well.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Otto! You are the one who got shot a few days ago.”, Martin points out through clenched teeth, trying to hide his own pain.

“And you are the one living with one and a half leg, using your tibia as femur… But let us not argue about that. Just come here, and lay down please.”, Otto whispers, realizing how  
tired he is getting again. Martin helps him to drink. 

“Thank you, darling!”

When the nurse finally crawls to bed and puts his arm around Otto carefully, it doesn’t take long for both to fall asleep.  
A gentle “I love you” is the last thing Otto hears before drifting off completely. And those three little words mean the world to him.


	2. Chapter 2

“Ready?”, Martin asked matter-of-factly, and Otto could swear that nobody would be able to tell how the nurse felt at this moment, but he saw the excitement on the other’s face clearly. His heart skipped. 

“I’m absolutely ready to start a new life with you!”, he clarified fervently, taking Martin’s hand resolutely. 

Together, they left the prosthesis workshop, where they had lived for the past months. As they went through the door, Martin’s fingers unhanded Otto’s, so they could pretend to be two men sharing a flat only because of money troubles.   
Living space was expensive these days, so no one would wonder about that.

Martin and Otto walked through the streets in silence. The sight of the ruins sent shivers down Otto’s spine. It’s unbelievable, how lucky he had been in the time he had spent in the attic without any protection against the deadly bombs.  
Martin seemed to know what his companion was thinking about and gave him a soothing smile.

“Oh, look Martin. I think we have to find another way. The street is blocked. Let’s turn right, that should work as well, or am I wrong?” 

Martin hesitated, his face frozen for a split second, but long enough for Otto to notice. Martin took a deep breath.

“Yes, we can go there as well.”, he replied while he started to walk again.

Otto followed quickly, confused. Did he say something wrong? Why was Martin reacting like this? Otto absolutely hated these moments, when he was not able to read Martins expressions as well, or just didn’t understand them. He wasn’t sure, he would ever get to know what the reason for the other’s stiff behavior was.   
As they passed a tiny house, Otto noticed the nurse’s hands cramping and his breath being ragged. Otto really started to worry. What did Martin force to feel so discomforted? What was going on? Otto wished, one more time, he would be allowed to wrap his arms around the man he loves, to hold him for a moment to give him the security he needed obviously, but it was not possible. Not in public. He bumped his shoulder slightly against Martin’s instead, to show that he was not alone.  
They went on without saying a word and Martin slowly relaxed again, but the sad expression on his face didn’t vanish until they reached their destination.  
Otto opened the door of the old building, letting Martin go in first and followed him slowly upstairs, to give the amputee the time he needed to climb the steps.

“Welcome home!”, Martin whispered, as they stood in the small living room, a little smile spread over his face.

Otto wasn’t able to resist any longer, he wanted to touch Martin, to feel him, to taste him and make him forget about his unexpressed sorrows. He gently fondled the nurse’s temple, looked into these fascinating blue eyes which seemed nearly grey in this light. Then he placed his lips softly on Martin’s.

“Welcome home, too.” 

“And greet your wooden leg!”, he added after another gentle kiss.

Yes, he could have said ‘I love you’ instead, because they didn’t have to be afraid about saying something wrong here, but Otto felt like his words were more personal than the   
common expression.

***

A few hours later, after their first dinner in their new flat, Martin and Otto sat on the tiny sofa snuggled up to each other and enjoyed the warmth in silence. To Otto’s surprise Martin began to speak quietly.

“The house we passed earlier… I grew up there”

Otto grabbed the nurse’s hand gently.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

He didn’t want to force his partner to remember.

“But I want to. I want you to know who I am… Which mistakes I made…” Martins voice failed. Then he took a deep breath and started to narrate.

“I grew up there. My parents cared about me quite well, but they had to work a lot to earn enough money. When I was ten, my brother was born.”

Astonished, Otto looks at Martin. He had never taken account of Martin having siblings…

“My mother died only two years afterwards and our financial situation worsened. My father had to work even more then, so I had to take care of my brother. A handsome, cute little boy… Sometimes I got rather jealous, although I loved him. In opposite to me, he was pretty good at making friends, when he grew older. I had to leave school after eighth grade, because my father couldn’t afford to pay for my education, so I worked in a small bookshop, when my brother was at school. I was allowed to read sometimes, when there was not much to do and I was really thankful for that… When I was twenty, I realized I fell in love with a guy und soon we had a secret relationship, but we got caught soon… The   
day before I was sent to the front, my father was allowed to visit me at the police station…but he didn’t come.”

Otto’s heart ached as he heard this story. How awful must it had been for Martin, sitting at the police station afraid and alone? Believing that his family didn’t love him anymore? He hugs his lover tightly.

“My brother was barely ten years old then and I haven’t heard about him ever since… I don’t even know if he’s still alive. I was… I was too afraid to go home after my surgery. I didn’t know, what I should have said, what I would have done, when I saw the disappointment on my father’s face, the pain in my little brother’s eyes… I didn’t want to experience that, I didn’t want to tell my family, that I’m a one-legged cripple now… I’m a coward, Otto.”, Martin explained, sobbing heavily.

Otto noticed before, that there had happened things in Martins life he didn’t want to remember, but he never had imagined the dimension of it.

“You are not a coward, Martin. You saved my life as you saved many more at work. You lost your leg in horrible conditions, but never complain about the painful consequences. You are brave! And even if your father might not be able to see that, I can. And I love you more than everything on this earth, ok?”

Martin sobbed one more time, before rising his head slowly.

“I love you too.”

Martin snuggles up to Otto again. 

“Maybe I should go home and speak to my father from face to face… Maybe he can explain…”


	3. Chapter 3

Martin rather couldn’t believe it, but he stood there, in front of the house, where he had spent his childhood. Nothing really had changed in the past six years and everything looked so familiar to him, but it felt quite different. He was different…

The rusty name plate was still there, telling Martin, that his family had never moved out. Martin reached out to ring the bell, his heartbeat far too fast. He hesitated.  
Did he really want to ring? Did he wanted his family to disown him from face to face? No, he definitely didn’t want that, but if he left now, he would be a coward in fact and even   
Otto couldn’t disclaim that any longer.

Martin gathered his courage and pressed the small button with trembling fingers. He was afraid because he didn’t know what would happen.  
Some seconds passed by and Martin started to wish the door remained closed, but then the door was opened jerkily.

A pair of bright blue eyes appeared, quite similar to Martin’s own, staring at him, shocked.

Martin stopped to think for a moment. He often had imagined how it would be like, meeting his family again, but he was not aware of the hundreds of feelings which hit him hard. It nearly took his breath away.

A pressed “Karl!”, is everything he is able to say. His little brother has grown so much!

“You…you are alive.”, Karl whispered overstrained, as if he never thought about the possibility to meet his older brother again.

“Oh my God, Martin!”, he blurted out as he seemed to realize what had happened. 

A second later he fell around Martin’s neck and the older one could not longer hold back his tears. He hugged his younger brother tightly, trying to bring his memory of a small ten-year-old boy into line with the young man in front of him. 

“It’s a miracle!”, Karl pointed out wiping tears out of his eyes.

“Come in!”, he added, took Martin’s hand, and dragged him along. A little smile appeared on the nurse’s face. Some things may never change…

“You are limping!”, Karl noticed slightly puzzled as they went in the small living room.

Martin couldn’t help but snort.

“Don’t worry about that, please. Everything is all right.”

He wasn’t quite sure why he didn’t tell his brother the whole truth right now. Maybe he still wanted to protect him from the brutal reality? Or was it only because he didn’t want to see the pity in the other’s eyes?

Fortunately, Karl didn’t ask for further information and they sat down in silence.   
It was a strange feeling to sit there, next to his bother.

“Do you want to drink something?”

“No, thank you.”

For a second, none of them knew what so say. They were far too overwhelmed.

“How is it possible? Papa… Papa told me you died at the front.”, Karl admitted confusedly, and it felt like he pulled the rug out from under Martin’s feet.

His father had declared him dead? Martin didn’t know what to say. It just hurt to much, but his brother’s next words were probably even worse.

“Why didn’t you say goodbye? Back then, I thought you must have stopped loving me. I saw so many young men being recruited, but not even one of them left without bidding farewell.”

These words were like a knife in Martin’s heart. His brother believed he hadn’t loved him?

“Karl… you. You have to believe me. I always have loved you! And I always will… It wasn’t my choice to leave this sudden, without saying goodbye, without hugging you one more time.” Marin’s voice failed and he tried hard to hold back his tears.

It seemed like his brother barely knew anything about the circumstances of Martin’s conscription.

“So, the rumors are true?”, Karl asked, a slight anger in his voice.

“Which rumors?”, Martin murmured faintly, wondering how precise they would be.

“That you are a criminal. That you were arrested and sent to the front as punishment. I never wanted to believe that. I never wanted to think of you as a criminal, so please tell me it’s not true!”, the young man bagged with wide eyes.

Martin’s breath became halting. What should he say? Karl has always been good at exposing his older brother’s lies, so maybe he should tell him the truth. He has a right to learn about what happened six years ago, even if Martin preferred not to destroy his brother’s faith in him…

“Karl… I… the rumors are true. I was convicted back then.”

His brother stared at him in complete disbelief.

“I was sent to the front because of… what I did.”

It was pretty hard to talk about what had happened. Martin had always been wondering how something wonderful like love, something that felt so right, could be seen as a perpetration. But it was against the law, and nearly everyone agreed with it…

Martin knew that he would have to tell his brother the reason of his condemnation, but a small voice in him was too reluctant, so he didn’t continue speaking.

“I don’t get it. You are the one who always told me not to do something condemnable. You shouted at me horribly, when I had stolen a pencil from another student, because I didn’t like that guy, so what the hell did you do? I think it’s my turn to shout at you now! You nearly destroyed our family. You made Papa cry and I have never seen him cry before. So tell me the truth! Now!” Karl shouted out angrily and Martin searched for the right words to say.

No, he didn’t even search for the right words, he searched for anything he could say, but his brain seemed to be completely empty.

Then he caught his brother’s eyes, taking a deep breath, before finally saying it: “I was convicted under paragraph 175.”

Karl’s eyes widened in shock. The drinking glass he has been holding, fell to the ground and shattered in thousand pieces with a loud clank.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep in mind that this text does represent period-typical homophobia and not my opinion!

“Now I can understand why Papa told me you were dead. You are a disgrace for our family, Martin.” Karl snapped, making Martin’s biggest nightmare come true.  
Martin felt sick about these words. They sent shivers down his spine and the harsh expression on his younger brother’s face hit him hard. He could see clearly that the Nazi-ideology was deep-seated in Karl’s behaviour and his heart ached badly while he imagined his brother as a proud member of the Hitler Youth, shouting antisemitic and anti-homosexual slogans fervently.

Would he have been able to prevent his brother from drifting into this horrible ideology, if he hadn’t been arrested?

Slowly he started to blame himself for what his brother became in the past six years.

Martin was completely overstrained with the whole situation, so he didn’t say a word.

“Did the war fix you? Maybe I’m able to forgive you your fault then.” Karl explained nearly snobbish, making Martin snot.

“I’m not a broken object that needs to be fixed, Karl.”, he replied upset, struggling to his feet.

“I better go now.”

“Yes, and don’t come back. I don’t want to have a brother like you.”

What had just happened to the cute little Karl, Martin had loved so much? He could feel the tears in his eyes, he could feel them running down his cheeks. Martin didn’t want to cry in front of his brother, but his feelings were simply too much for him to handle. 

With fast and uneven steps, he crossed the small room, but before he had the chance to open the door, it was opened from the outside.

His father stared at him in surprise. Martin noticed, how old he looked with his grey hair, his eyes dull.

Then the nurse lowered his head. He didn’t want to look at the man who was not interested in his oldest son, who declared him dead. It wasn’t the first time in his life that he felt unwelcome, but it was the first time that his family was the reason for it.

“You are back.” His father whispered gently and then, to Martins surprise, he felt his arms around him, holding him tightly. 

Martin stood there, frozen, and not able to do anything.

“I’ve missed you so much!” The old man sobbed heavily into his son’s shirt.

“How can you hug this perpetrator? His sexual orientation is nauseating!”, Karl blurted out, appalled, before rushing out angrily.

Their father sighed warily.

“I’m sorry for that, Martin…”

“You told him that I’m dead. You didn’t even come for a visit, so I think there are other things you should apologise for.”

“Yes, I think there are a few things we should talk about, but first I want you to know that I love you, no matter what. Let’s sit down.”

Martin followed his father slowly, some pieces of broken glass cracking underneath their feet.  
***  
“So why did you say that I’m dead?” Martin asked as they sat on the tiny sofa side-to-side.

His father sighed.

“I didn’t want to; it was kind of an accident… Your brother didn’t stop asking about you, he couldn’t accept that you had left without telling anyone. These days, he cried very much and finally crawled into my bed and woke me up. I don’t know how it could happen, but I muttered that you were dead, that you won’t come back. First, I thought it was a dream, but then I realised that I really said these words and couldn’t take them back. I somehow managed to stick to this lie. It was easier for both of us to think of you being dead than to imagine what could happen to you. I don’t expect you to understand. What I did was really selfish, but you have to believe me that I didn’t do that to disown you.”

Martin could see the pain his father’s eyes and knew that he told the truth, but his father’s attitude didn’t correspond to what he had imagined it to be.

“But if you didn’t want to disown me, why didn’t you come for a visit, before I was sent to the Front?” Martin couldn’t hide his own pain, while saying these words.

“Martin, I don’t understand… What do you mean?” He asked genuinely confused and Martin’s breath caught.

“The day before I was sent to the Front, the police officers told me that you were informed about my condemnation and had the chance to come for a visit, but you didn’t come…” Martin’s voice failed once more. He noticed the shock in his father’s eyes. 

“You thought I had disowned you then? Because I didn’t come?”  
Martin nodded slightly.

Then his father stood up in silence and left the room. Martin was confused now. What was going on? Did his father change his mind and wanted Martin to leave as well?  
But before Martin could do anything, his father came back and handed him a piece of paper. Martin immediately recognised it as an official letter of the Wehrmacht.

“Read it.” His father requested, so Martin started to read, and his eyes widened in shock as he realised what must have happened.

“They… they didn’t offer you the possibility to come for a visit?”

The old man shook his head and it felt again like he pulled the rug out from under Martin’s feet.  
The police officers had payed with Martin’s feelings, they tried to break him even before his punishment had started. Martin knew that, but he didn’t imagine the visit being a part of it…

“I’m sorry you thought that I’m not interested in you…”

“Don’t apologise for that. It wasn’t you fault.”

And now it was Martin’s turn to burst in tears and fall around his father’s neck.

He might have lost his brother today, but he regained his father…

Martin’s heart ached badly. He could have visited much earlier, if he knew about the trick the police had played on him…

“I’ve missed you, Martin…”

As the young man straightened his back again, his father took the tear-stained glasses out of his son’s face, putting them aside carefully. 

“So, tell me, where do you work?”

“Professor Sauerbruch offered me a job as a nurse at Charité, when I… came back.”

Martin started to feel guilty again. He came back four years ago and had never even tried to contact his family…

“Professor Sauerbruch? The famous surgeon?”

Martin nodded. “Yes, I owe him much.”

He could nearly feel his father’s bafflement, even if his face is too blurred for Martin to identify his mien.

“Why did he offer you a job? You are an intelligent man, so don’t get me wrong, but… what did you do to qualify for it?”

“I didn’t do anything for that.”

“Come on, Martin. Out with it!”

For a second, he remembered how often he had heard these words out of his father’s mouth before. Martin has always been a quiet person and the war hadn’t changed anything about it. In the past, he had sometimes preferred to remain silent even after the order to speak, but he knew that he must tell his father the truth now.

“I’ve been part of the Balkan Campaign, but was sent back to Berlin the day before the Greeks capitulation, my right thigh full of shell splinters. I was meant to be a proband for Professor Sauerbruch’s new op-method… I’m an amputee, Papa.” It felt weird to tell this story.

“Oh, Martin. I’m so sorry!”

“Please don’t be. It could have been far worse. If Sauerbruch hadn’t insisted, they would have amputated my whole leg, leaving me without any possibility to walk again.”

“How did they save your leg? You said that your thigh was injured…”

A little smile appeared on Martin’s face. His father has always been interested in medical science, but never has had the chance to study.

“They replaced my destroyed femur with my undamaged tibia.”

“Can you… can you show me?”

Martin hesitated. He could cope with being an example for Sauerbruch’s lectures pretty well and showing his wooden prosthesis has never been an issue but taking it off in front of others has always left him feeling vulnerable.

Then he looked up in his father’s curious eyes and slowly began to lift his right trouser leg, before unlacing his prosthesis reluctantly. Martin nearly sighed out of relief, as he took it off, giving his leg the rest, it needed urgently.

For a second, he closed his eyes, because he didn’t want to see the expression on his father’s face. Martin knew that his stump was the opposite of a pleasant sight, so he could understand if his father looked away in disgust.

To his surprise, he felt his father’s fingers at his thigh, following the long scar leading up to his hip joint.

“I’m grateful that Prof. Sauerbruch gave you this opportunity…”

Martin didn’t know what to say. Yes, he was very grateful too and didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if he got his whole leg amputated…

“So, where do you live now? Do you need a place to sleep? Here is still enough space for you…” His father broke the awkward silence.

“No, thank you. I live in a flat not far from here…”

“Do you live alone?”

Martin hesitated. Should he tell his father the truth? He didn’t even know how his father felt about his son being homosexual…

“No, I couldn’t afford that. I share a flat with a young doctor from Charité.” Martin tried to hide his feelings, but he could see the smile on his father’s face even without wearing his glasses.

“You are in love with him.”, his father noticed matter-of-factly, making the nurse feel queasy.

“I… I don’t… I” He didn’t find any words which felt right to say.

“Don’t worry, Martin.”

“You… you are not going to blame me, because of how I feel about… men?”

His father sighed.

“Martin. When you were arrested, I tried to hate you because of your abnormality. I tried so hard, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t stop loving you. I’ve missed you every day, your special sense of humour, your kindness, if I wanted or not... I think I realised a bit how it must be for you. Knowing that your love is wrong but not being able to control it. That must be awful. In my opinion, your love is against nature and it won’t change, but I realised that you are still the boy I love and ever will, no matter what and I am happy as long as  
you are. I’m so glad that you are alive!” his father explained, grabbing Martins hand gently.

Martin felt torn between relief and disappointment that his father also believed that his love to Otto was wrong, but his father accepted it and that’s more than Martin had ever imagined…


	5. January 1947

Otto entered his flat wearily. He had spent his whole day in search of aliment, which was an exhausting duty in these days. The temperature had dropped to 20 degrees below zero and the destroyed infrastructure had lead to a fatal supply shortage. Though, Otto had tried so hard to buy something special for this special day but hardly got enough food to pull through the next few days. Fortunately, they had stinted some coal, so that Otto could heat their flat at least a bit. He wanted Martin to have a pleasant evening, because after all, it was his birthday. 

Otto had just put the coal in the small stove as he heard a knocking at the door. Weird. Who should come for a visit? 

Otto sighed reluctantly, went to the door and opened it. In front of him stood a young man, maybe 20 years of age but Otto had always been bad at judging ages. It took him only a few seconds to guess who stood there.

Those blue eyes. He would always recognise them. They looked so familiar and nevertheless completely different. Otto couldn’t spot any of Martin’s qualities in them. No kindness, no humour, only a form of coldness that sent shivers down his spine.

“Good evening. How can I help you?“ Otto asked politely in spite of the anger which developed in his stomach. This man had hurt Martin so much...

“Does a certain Martin Schelling live here?”

“Yes, he is still at work but will be back soon... If I may ask, who are you?” Otto tried his best to pretend not to know who was the man in front of him.

“I’m Karl Schelling... Martin’s brother.” 

“Ah, nice to meet you. I’m Otto Marquardt.” They shook their hands.

“Do you want to come in then? It’s getting colder here and I’m sure Martin won’t be amused if he finds his brother frostbitten in front of the door.” Otto beamed at Karl but the smile did not reach his eyes and only a little smile appeared on the other’s face.

“Yes, I would really prefer to come in.” Karl said matter-of-factly and followed Otto into the tiny flat.

Otto turned the book on the small shelf; only a small change nobody would notice but it would be enough for Martin to know they had visitors who were not aware of their secret armour.

“Do you live here, too?” Karl asked and Otto could feel he was wondering if Martin and Otto were a couple. It won’t be a big problem for Otto to destroy this assumption, he sometimes had to...

“Yes, I do. I’m a doctor at Charité and Martin saved my live at the end of the war. That’s why I felt responsible to help him. You know, he doesn’t earn enough money to pay the rent on his own, so I moved in with him.” He explained shrugging and felt guilty to talk about the man he loved in that way but it was necessary now.

“You know him well?” Karl asked a bit less sceptical than before. 

Otto shrugged again. “Not really. Your brother is very tight-lipped, you know?” Otto said uninterested trying to depict what strangers might think of Martin.

Karl nodded. “Yes, he always has been...” he replied and then, only for a few seconds, Otto noticed a kind of nostalgia in the eyes of Martin’s brother, but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

“Take a seat.” Otto pointed at the sofa and sat down on an old armchair which the previous tenant had left behind as he moved out. 

They started to do some smalltalk, nothing profound and nothing important. Otto was rather bored by this conversation and wished that Karl would leave. Otto wanted to protect Martin especially on his birthday but there was still some hope that Karl came to apologise for what he had said to his brother, even if Otto didn’t believe in it.

Then he heard the sound of the key in the keyhole and couldn’t prevent to tense up. What will happen now? How will Martin react? Otto noticed concerned that Martin’s steps sounded more uneven and more cumbersome than usually. He has suspected that Martin had some problems with his prosthesis for nearly a week now. He should ask him later...

As Martin entered the room and hesitated, Otto stood up and went towards him. “Well, I’ll give you some privacy then. Enjoy it, gentlemen.” He said happily as if he didn’t notice the strained atmosphere. He glanced at Martin and tried to signalise that he loved him and would wait in the next room, ready to intervene if the situation escalates.

A few moments after he had left the living room, he could hear muted voices but they were too quiet to understand.  
Otto walked up and down in the bedroom, worried about what would happen next. Some time passed by and then he could hear fast steps and the sound of a slamming door, so he hurried into the living room.

Martin stood there, looking a bit puzzled but not as hurt as Otto had suspected.

“What did he want?” Otto asked quietly as he wrapped his arms around the nurse.  
“He brought some old photographs. Our father forced him to, because he has to work all day and can’t come for a visit himself” Martin sighed before he added: “At least he didn’t reproach me for who I am...”

Otto’s heart ached as he heard these words. “Yes, because you are perfect just the way you are and that’s why I love you so much... happy birthday, Martin!”

“Thank you, Otto.” Martin whispered quietly. “I love you too.” Otto felt honoured to hear that, because he knew how rare these words out of Martin’s mouth were. He kissed him passionately before taking Martin’s hand.

“Come nearer to the stove, I bet you are cold and your leg needs some rest from the prosthesis.” 

Martin hummed but followed obediently to a stool in front of the stove. He sighed out of relief as he sat down and didn’t protest as the doctor took off his prosthesis carefully. Otto stared at the nurses residual limb in shock. Why hadn’t he stopped Martin much earlier?

“For heaven’s sake, Martin! Your stump looks awful; I can even see it cramping and your skin is badly sore. Why didn’t you say a word?” 

“There are so many others fighting for their lives out in this extreme cold, so who am I to complain about this trifle?”

“This is not a trifle anymore and you know that. If you don’t change anything, you won’t be able to walk soon... Doesn’t your prosthesis fit anymore?” Martin lowered his head without saying anything and Otto sighed feeling guilty to blame Martin on his birthday. “Maybe a massage will help your muscles to relax a bit and afterwards I’ll cook something, ok?” He added softly and pressed a slight kiss on Martin’s temple. The nurse nodded slightly and seemed to know that protest was pointless.

Otto knelt down in front of his paramour and started to knead the completely tensed muscles, making Martin groan with pain. The doctor hated to hurt him but it was the only possibility to make him feel better afterwards. 

“I’m sorry... please promise that you visit Mr. Heim tomorrow and show him your prosthesis, maybe he can help you.” Otto said insistently. 

“Maybe it’s just the temperature causing my problems. I’ve always had some trouble with my leg in winter. It gets very stiff then and there is nothing anyone could do.”

“You may have forgotten but I’m a surgeon now. The temperature might be the reason for your tensed muscles but it does not cause chafed skin like that.” Otto said resolutely and stood up. Sometimes it seemed like Martin was not able to take care of himself...

“Maybe you’re right. I think, I lost too much weight in the last months so my prosthetic doesn’t fit anymore...” Martin admitted reluctantly making Otto stroke his hair. 

“I’ll get you some ointment and then I’m going to cook even if I suspect it won’t be a feast.” He explained wearily, feeling a bit weak from hunger.

The food ration has been reduced drastically, leaving everyone with the constant feeling of hunger and the severe cold worsened the plight of the people. Martin and Otto were privileged to have a place where they could escape the direct impact of the cold, even if their flat was still the opposite of comfortably warm...

Otto fetched the boracic ointment, gave it to Martin and started to cook. It was a simple stew which consisted of everything here had found, which turned out to be turnips and cabbage...

He sighed as he took the pot from the cooker and carried it to the dining table. Martin stood up and hopped to the table on one leg.

“Oh, Mr. Marquardt’s cooking skills are far the best in the world, I knew it!” He joked cynically but smiled at Otto deeply grateful and Otto’s heart was filled with joy.

He realised once again how much he loved the nurse despite all his little faults and he felt quite happy although the world’s misery. 

After the dinner, they found themselves snuggling on the tiny sofa, sharing their warmth and felt as comfortable as possible when Otto remembered the photographs lying on the side table. 

“What’s in the pictures that you received?” Otto asked quietly, curious but careful not to offend his paramour.

Martin shrugged. “Have a look. It’s nothing special but I think my father noticed the photographs of you and your family as he visited us and felt responsible to give me some as well.”

Otto smiles as he saw the little boy in the pictures, grinning shyly into the camera. “You were a cute boy then.” Otto whispered affectionately while spotting more and more similarities between the young boy and his Martin even though there were some differences too. Martin was still an introvert but not shy at all anymore. Otto sighed as he thought about all the things the young boy in the picture had to go through to become the Martin he knew and loved. He had grown up taking care of his brother, had been arrested, had lost his leg in the war...

Martin shrugged and looked like he had never even considered the possibility that he had been a cute child. Otto knew that Martin often wondered why he had chosen to love him, a one-legged cripple, and Otto always felt sad that his companion thought of himself in that way.

“And you are still an attractive, handsome guy.” He added and enjoyed the fondly sparkle in the other’s bright blue eyes as he leaned forward to kiss him gently, slow and passionate.


	6. Chapter 6

Martin awoke early in the morning and couldn’t help but smile as he noticed the hopeful smell of spring in the air. The early days in March had brought some badly needed warmth to Berlin. Though, Martin didn’t want to leave the comfortably warm bed and huddled against Otto instead.

The young doctor was still asleep, and Martin enjoyed listening to his calm and smooth breath. He sometimes couldn’t believe that this unabashedly handsome man was his. Slowly, Martin reached out and ran his fingers through the other’s freshly washed, soft hair and smiled as his paramour hummed gently before opening his eyes.  
“I was right, back then in the attic. To be awoken by you is far the best feeling in the world.” Otto mumbled sleepily and even though it was too dark, and the nurse’s sight was too blurred, he could easily imagine what Otto looked like as he said these words.

Martin caressed his beloved’s cheek before he kissed him, first slowly, nearly lazy but then more intense and more passionate. Martin loved this feeling; the feeling of Otto’s soft lips on his own; the feeling of his messed hair under his fingers… Otto groaned affectionately, making Martin’s pulse race. Then, their kisses slowed down again until Martin let go of the other’s lips to snuggle up comfortably at Otto’s side. He could stay in bed with Otto all day long, without getting bored but unfortunately that wasn’t possible. Otto’s sigh told him that he thought about something similar but then he noticed another change in the doctor’s mood.

“Hey, what’s up, Otto?” He asked a bit concerned.  
“Today is the surgery.” Otto replied curtly and without his common enthusiasm, so now it was Martin’s turn to sigh. How could he have forgotten?

Three day ago, Sauerburch announced that Otto was now allowed to do minor surgeries on his own and today should be the first one.

“Otto, you can be pretty sure that Sauerbruch wouldn’t have allowed you that if you were a bad surgeon. You know that he honoured your skills with this permission and if that’s not enough: I believe in you; you can do it!” Martin explained insistently before kissing his paramour again.

“Thank you!” The younger man whispered gratefully and huddled against Martin. They spent the next hour in bed without saying a word.

“It’s time to get up.” Martin said reluctantly and searched for his glasses, a complicated task due to his blurred vision and the fact that the glasses were not at their usual place. 

“Do you know where I put my glasses yesterday?” He added slightly annoyed. 

“Ah, are you looking for these ones?” Otto asked with a little smile on his face and took them from the small table besides his bedside. The nurse nodded as he reached out for them, but Otto had another plan and put them on. “Oh, Lord. You can see through that? Your eye-sight must be horrible!”

Martin hummed as reply and tried to recapture his glasses, but Otto was faster and pulled his face out of range. “Okay, your choice.” Martin mattered grimly as he started to tickle Otto and not long afterwards, the two men lay on the bed and giggled impetuously. As they calmed down a bit, Otto gave Martin his glasses and asked: “How can something as beautiful as your eyes malfunction so much?” And the nurse couldn’t help but chuckle again. “You are such a romantic, Marquardt!”

***

A few hours later, Martin hurried through a small corridor at Charté which was used as a short cut by the stuff only. He has to bring a pair of crutches to a patient who should be discharged today and afterwards he wanted to watch Otto’s first own surgery.

It hasn’t been a problem for him to get the permission for it because he had just started his training as an O.R assistant. Sauerbruch had asked him to, making Martin wonder why he offered him so many opportunities… Sometimes Martin has the suspicion that Sauerbruch did that because he enjoyed seeing the success of Martin’s surgery more often but then again, he felt like the grumpy doctor really liked him. However, Martin had taken this opportunity gratefully, probably also to spend more time with Otto at work.

As he continued his way to the patient, he slightly turned his head to make sure that the door closed behind him. Martin realised that this had been a big mistake as he tripped over something on the ground. He cussed quietly as he tried to keep his balance; the crutches slipped out of his hands and when he took a step forward, his wooden foot got stuck in the gap of one if the crutches. That was far too much for him to handle and with a quiet scream of amazement and helplessness, he overbalanced and fell, rolled down the flight of stairs until he came to a stop at the end of the stairs. His head had hit the hard ground painfully and the crutch had finally hit his stomach violently, making him groan in severe pain. 

His whole body ached, making every movement impossible so he just laid on the floor and cursed himself for not being attentive enough. Slowly, the intense feeling of panic spread through his body; it could take much time until someone would come here, and he realised that he started to pass out. No! 

Then, suddenly he saw the face of a young nurse, Anna, if he wasn’t mistaken and he felt hope again. “Help!” He whispered faintly but the nurse only stared at him in shock and didn’t even move. This was the last thing Martin saw, before the world around him went completely dark.


	7. Chapter 7

At the same time, Otto stood in the operating theatre, his narcotised patient in front of him. The feeling of insecurity spread through his body and his pulse raced. Was he able to do this surgery? In opposite to Martin, he didn’t believe in his operating skills. What if something went wrong? What if the patient died? Otto took a deep breath.

‘Get yourself together, Marquardt!’ He shouted quietly at himself and wished that Martin were there to reassure him. Martin. Where was he? He had promised to come, and Otto knew that Sauerbruch had given him the permission, but nevertheless he was not there.

“Do we start then?” His assistant asked impatiently. He was a bit older than Otto and had been very discontented as he found out that Otto was now allowed to perform surgeries on his own before the assistent himself got Sauerbruch’s permission.

“Yes, let’s start.” Otto replied curtly as he realised that they couldn’t wait for Martin any longer. Yes, Otto was disappointed by Martin’s behaviour, he usually kept his promises, but in the next minutes, Otto managed to forget about it and concentrate on the surgery which went quite well.  
He had just stitched up the surgical field as he heard a faint voice behind him and knew immediately that it was Martin’s voice, but the sound of it sent shivers down Otto’s spine.

“Otto.” He whispered and Otto had never heard this tone in his beloved’s voice, and it told him that something was very wrong with Martin. 

Otto’s presentiment was confirmed as he turned around, alarmed and as fast as possible, he saw the nurse collapsing in front of him. Otto’s heart stopped a beat and the feeling of horror and fear paralysed him for a split second before he hurried to his paramour.

Martin was very pale and sweat stood out on his forehead. Otto knelt down next to him and measured his heart rate, which was slow but at least steady. 

“Hey, Martin, wake up! Wake up, please.” He shouted and couldn’t hide the tremble in his voice. What the hell had happened to Martin? Otto noticed a small hematoma at the nurse’s hairline.

“I need a gurney. Now!” He shouted at his surgical team angrily as he noticed that they just stood around and watched the scenery. 

At this moment, Prof. Sauerbruch entered the OR. “Professor Sauerbruch, I need your help, please!” Otto bagged as he could feel the tears in his eyes. Fortunately, the older doctor didn’t even hesitate and came over.

“What happened?” Sauerbruch wanted to know.

“I don’t know. Martin came here and collapsed. Maybe he had an accident… I don’t have a clue…” Otto stammered as Sauerbruch knelt down besides Martin as well. He touched the nurse’s forehead carefully, to examine the hematoma.

“I don’t think that this is the reason for his loss of consciousness. Help me to put him on an operating table, we have to find the reason soon, to prevent any further damage.” Sauerbruch said matter-of-factly but Otto thought he heard a concerned tone in the other’s voice.

They carried Martin to one of the tables and laid him down carefully before they started do undress him. As Otto took off Martin’s trousers, he could see many bruises all over his left leg and he was very sure that his stump looked the same. Carefully he unlaced the prosthesis and set it aside. Otto hadn’t a chance to examine the nurse’s residual limb because Sauerbruch had just unbuttoned his shirt. Otto gasped in horror as he saw the big hematoma which covered Martin’s stomach. The localisation of it in the upper left corner of his abdomen told the doctor which consequences this injury would have.

“Get ready for an emergency operation!” Sauerbruch shouted and the surgical team started to prepare everything, while Otto still stared at Martin’s bruised body, shocked.

“Get out here, Marquardt. There’s other work for you to do.” Sauerbruch explained sternly but as Otto looked at him, he could notice a kind of softness in his eyes as if he rather wanted to say: ‘Please go. You shouldn’t see the man you love like that. I’ll take care of him.’ Sometimes Otto wondered how much Sauerbruch guessed about Otto’s and Martin’s relationship. Otto nodded reluctantly because it was very clear that every protest was pointless.

*** 

Some time later, Martin slowly recovered from anaesthesia. His whole body felt heavy and he was still too tired to open his eyes, so he listened to the muffled voices but couldn’t  
understand what they said. Suddenly, some memories popped up in his head.

_Flashback:_

_“Let’s leave him. It’s futile!”_

_“No, you wouldn’t want that either if you were him.”_

_“Shut up! Schelling is lost. He won’t survive the next day anyway.” The first voice pointed out and Martin started to panic. No! He didn’t want to be left behind. He wanted to scream it out, but his body refused it._

_“No, I wouldn’t want to die alone at the battlefield; We’ll take him with us. The enemies fled, so there is not too much danger for us.” Relief spread through Martin, but it didn’t last for long. A hot, sharp pain radiated from his thigh into his whole body, so he started to pass out again as his comrades picked him up._

_The next thing Martin noticed was the smell of disinfectant. The sharp pain in his right leg was replaced by a dull throbbing. He opened his eyes slowly and hadn’t any time to get orientated. A doctor came to him immediately._

_“Schelling, you are awake! Your comrades thought they had lost you at the battlefield. Do you remember?” Martin nodded slightly. Of course, he remembered the extremely loud explosion, the severe pain as the splinters had hit his leg… This was the only thing he had dreamt about since then. Yeah, since when? How much time had passed? He didn’t know, but he didn’t want to ask either._

_“Sleep a bit, you’ll be taken to Berlin soon.” The doctor told him, as his eyes closed again. He will be brought to Berlin? Somehow Martin knew that this information should alert him, only difficult cases were sent back home, but the analgesic slowed down his brain and made him too tired to ask what would happen to him and his leg._

_Martin missed nearly the whole ride to Berlin. He was asleep most of the time due to the powerful painkillers and his fever. As he arrived at Charité he was directly transferred to the OR where a surgical team had been waiting for him already. He was still too tired to open his eyes, but he could hear the surgeons voice clearly as he examined Martin’s leg._

__

__

_“That won’t be an easy task. I’m not sure if I can save the leg; maybe the tourniquet was put on the leg for too long and the damn fever is also a problem. Why didn’t these bumblers do anything to reduce it?” The doctor asked angrily._

_Then, Martin felt a mask on his face and hadn’t even the chance to think about what he had heard before the anaesthetics took effect._

\---

As Martin woke up again, he was a bit confused. It took him a few seconds until he realised that he had just dreamt about his amputation and he had been an amputee for six years in effect, but why did he lie in a hospital bed at Charité?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you like to hear more about the time of Martin's amputation?  
> Please let me know;)


	8. Chapter 8

Martin looked around the dimly lit hospital room and as he spotted his glasses on the small nightstand, he hurried to put them on, so his environment got sharper. Only two other patients were there, both asleep.

Slowly, the strong feeling of fear spread through Martin. He hated to be a helpless patient but what was far worse: he couldn’t even remember what had happened to him, making him a patient at the ward he actually worked at. He realised that there was no one in the room he could ask, so he sat up laboriously, a twisting, stabbing pain in his upper abdomen. He felt like he had to find someone who could tell him what had happened, but how?

The nurse searched for his prosthesis and got a bit angry. Someone had obviously taken it away from him! Most of the time, Martin could cope quite well with his disability and wasn’t bothered too much by the fact that he was sometimes slower than others or needed some help when it came up to transferring bedridden patients, but he absolutely hated the fact that he was deprived of his ability to walk independently so easily. It felt like a big part of his freedom was taken away along with his prosthesis.  
Despite everything, Martin was about to stand up as Otto entered the small room.

“For heaven’s sake, Martin! You’re not allowed to stand up yet, you just had surgery!” Otto explained deeply concerned as he hurried towards Martin to make sure he stayed in bed.

“Please lie down, I have to check your surgical wound to be certain that the suture is still intact.” He added softly. Martin nodded slowly and lay down obediently, though he was still confused about the whole situation.

“Otto… What happened?” He didn’t understand what was going on and Otto’s concerned facial expression made his pulse race. Otto sighed quietly.

“You came to the OR, injured… You collapsed there and Sauerbruch had to remove your spleen in an emergency surgery, do you remember?” Otto explained quietly and tried not to waken the other patients. 

Did he remember? No. The last thing Martin remembered was that Dr. Wach had asked him to bring a pair of crutches to a discharged patient and there was nothing that could explain his injuries… The feeling of fear hit him again as he shook his head slightly and his breath speeded up. Not to know what had happened to him made Martin feel queasy.

“Martin, please look at me and keep calm. A slight kind of amnesia after a surgery is nothing to really worry about. Don’t blame yourself so much, please.” Otto whispered softly and grabbed Martin’s hand for a second. His words and the warmth of his hand helped the nurse to relax again. Otto was right, Martin noticed; Panic wouldn’t bring him anywhere. 

Otto didn’t hurry as he rolled up Martin’s patient gown. His hands rested gently at Martin’s skin, far longer than necessary as he removed the wound dressing of the nurse’s stomach carefully. Otto exhaled in relief.

“Everything looks good but promise that you don’t try to get up again until I give you the permission to!” Otto said insistently.

“Aye-aye, Sir!” The older man replied, a faint smile on his face.

“How do you feel in general? Do you need something?” The doctor asked softly, affectionately as he dressed the others wound again.

Martin hummed. “I feel like someone cut my belly open, took one of my organs and stitched me up afterwards… If Sauerbruch went on like this, it wouldn’t take long until nothing is left of me… I think the grumpy doctor likes to remove parts of my body…” Martin mumbled cynically but with closed eyes. He noticed that he was about to fall asleep again and there was nothing he could do against it. Otto’s soft “Sleep tight!” was the last thing he heard, before he slipped into the land of dreams.

***

Martin was torn out of sleep by a strange noise, early in the morning. The soft morning light lit the room and it took Martin a few seconds to realise that the noise was the scared mumbling of a patient next to him. Martin put on his glasses and noticed that the patient, a young man who was barely 18 years old, was still asleep, repeating the same words over and over. 

“No! Not my leg, please. Not my leg!”

Martin spotted some tears on the youthful face, making his heart ache. Nearly everyone was struggling with nightmares in these days… and the only thing that helped was to wake up. That was why Martin didn’t hesitate as he grabbed his unused right wool sock which lay on the nightstand, shaped kind of a ball and threw it to the young man, whispering:  
“Hey, wake up!”

As the sock hit the other’s shoulder, he woke up, a shocked expression on his face.

“You had a nightmare.” Martin explained quietly and saw that the other relaxed a bit, just to tense up again a second later, fear in his eyes.

“Yes, it was a nightmare, but it was also my new reality.” He replied, his voice faint and shaky before he burst into tears.  
Martin sighed. Usually, as a nurse, he would go to the patient, sit down next to him and try to allay his fears, but now he was not allowed to stand up and didn’t want to risk that Otto caught him, breaking his promise…

As the young man calmed down a bit, Martin felt like he should do something. Most of the patients felt lonely and insecure in this unknown environment, he knew that and understood it quite well. Sometimes, everything what the patients needed was to talk a bit. Martin still searched for the right thing to say as the other had already begun to speak.  
“I’m afraid…” The young man admitted quietly, and Martin was deeply impressed by the younger’s honesty. Slowly and carefully, Martin brought himself in an upright position.  
“Do you want to tell me? I think I can’t go back to sleep anyway…” He said politely, trying not to offend the young patient.

Silence.

Martin looked more closely at the other man. The fear on his face was gone by now, replaced by an emptiness the nurse knew quite well too. He had often had to deal with patients in this mood but that was not everything he knew about it. Even if he tried his best to forget, the feeling was very familiar to himself because he had gone through it too.  
“Sauerbruch wants to amputate my foot.” The other one blurted out, stunned as if he didn’t want to believe it himself.

It felt like a knife in Martin’s heart. Amputations had always been hard to bear for him since he came back from the Front, experiencing it himself. Most of the time, he could deal  
with it professionally but the expression on the other’s face reminded him of himself… Martin sighed.

“What happened?” He asked quietly.

“I helped a friend to rebuild his house as a part of the roof broke down and shattered my foot.” The patient explained angrily. Anger: also an emotion Martin knew well. Why had he been the one who was hit by the shell splinters? He had often asked this question to himself in the time after his surgery but soon realised that it was pointless. Meanwhile he wondered sometimes if losing his leg had saved his life… 

For a moment, Martin thought about telling his own story but decided not to do so; he felt like it was not the right moment for that…  
He sighed again. “I’m sorry about that…”

“You can’t understand what it feels like! You are not here for an amputation, are you?”  
Martin couldn’t understand? He nearly sobbed; of course, he could, better than the other imagined but he remembered what had helped him back then: shouting at others… Sometimes, he was still ashamed of his behaviour back then…

Instead of telling the truth about the first part of the younger’s sentence, Martin shrugged. “I got my spleen removed.” He said matter-of-factly, trying to avoid the thought that he didn’t even remember why…

“This surgery didn’t change your life then. You are still able to walk without any walking aid.” Martin nearly laughed as he heard that but remained silent. “I’ll be a useless cripple after my surgery!” The young man explained furiously, and Martin gestured to keep calm again.

“You won’t be useless afterwards. I know an amputee who works as a nurse now. Nearly everything is possible with a well fitted prosthesis. They are very good nowadays.” Martin realised that he had just said the words he had promised himself never to use. He had heard them after his surgery sometimes and absolutely hated them…

“You don’t understand.” The patient repeated and turned away from Martin, making him think about the time of his own amputation.

_Flashback:_  
Martin lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling. He was useless. He was a cripple. He would never be able to walk again. These thoughts were eating away on him.  
He heard that the door was opened, and the doctors came in, perfectly on time as usual. They talked to the other patients, explained diagnoses and their further treatments. As usually, Martin noticed every spoken word, kept it in mind and thought about the different diseases for quite a time. That was far better than his previous thoughts. 

_Then, Sauerbruch came over to Martin. For the last weeks, he had always been the last one in this room, because he got the bed in the farthest corner._

_“Good morning, Martin.” Sauerbruch said. It was still odd to hear his first name again, after been called ‘Schelling’ for the last two years._

_“Morning.” He replied curtly. Somehow, he liked Sauerbruch, even if he couldn’t explain why…_

_As usually, a nurse removed the dressing of Martin’s badly scarred stump before Sauerbruch examined it._

_“Ah. Very good. Your stump looks like it’s time for you to get your first prosthetic fitted.” The doctor pointed out and it felt like he had hit Martin’s stomach._

_“I…I don’t think so.” He replied firmly, trying to hide his psyching pain._

_“Why not? Explain!”_

_“No one ever told me what would happen with me after the amputation. Yes, I received my Wound Badge and was told that I’ll get some extra money due to my severe injury, but I don’t think it’ll be enough for a prosthesis and my simple insurance won’t be enough either… Just imagine I’m wrong: what kind of work am I capable of with only one and a half legs?”_

_Sauerbruch sighed as he heard Martin’s resigned words. He gestured to the other doctors and nurses that they should leave them alone. Then, Sauerbruch took a chair, carried it to Martin’s bed and sat down._

_“You’re afraid because you think you’re not good enough anymore, am I right?” Sauerbruch asked nearly softly and Martin tried hard to connect this Sauerbruch to the grumpy doctor he got to know in the last days and weeks. He nodded slowly. “Do you remember what I explained four weeks ago about your surgery? Can you repeat it for me?” Confused, Martin tried to tell Sauerbruch every detail he could remember, making the doctor look slightly impressed._

_“Which graduation do you have?”_

_“I had to leave school after eighth grade…”_

_The older man nodded slightly. “Well, then I’m not allowed to offer you to study medicine on my supervision.” Sauerbruch thought loudly. “But I can offer you a job as a nurse at my ward…” He noticed Martin’s sceptical expression. “Ah, don’t worry. The law guarantees you an adequate care, a well fitted prosthesis included and I’m sure that learning to walk again won’t be a major obstacle for you but don’t be too impatient. It will be a long process, though.” He explained and Martin was nearly overwhelmed by Sauerbruch’s kindness._

_A quiet “You…you would do that for me?” was all he could reply._

_“You’re a smart young man, Martin. I definitely need more staff like you… So, I’ll bring you to Heim now and he’ll start the whole fitting process.” The doctor sounded like he wouldn’t admit any contradiction and that gave Martin hope. A feeling he hadn’t felt since his amputation._


	9. Chapter 9

A few moments after Martin’s conversation with the young patient, Otto entered the room, his facial expression pensive. Martin knew immediately that his beloved had heard at least parts of the conversation and was not sure how to behave right now.

Martin waved at Otto while asking: “Doctor, am I allowed to go to the bathroom?” He wanted to talk to the doctor without anyone listening, he needed to know if Otto had figured something out about the accident or in general the reason for Martin’s injuries. 

The young man came over. “Do you feel fit enough yet? Otherwise there are other options to go to the toilette…” Otto explained as he stopped at Martin’s bed, before he added quietly: “And what’s about your leg? Your neighbour will notice your disability immediately…” Martin saw the confusion on the other’s face clearly. Otto didn’t understand why he hadn’t told the truth about his leg and for a second, Martin didn’t understand either, but then he realised that he may have wanted to make clear that an amputation wasn’t necessarily visible at all times. Martin shrugged. “I don’t mind, so many people have seen my prothesis. Please bring it.” He whispered quietly too, before he added in normal volume: “Yes, I feel definitely fit enough to stand up and walk to the bathroom on my own.”

“Alright, then wait a second and I’ll be back to help you.” Otto said matter-of-factly as he hurried out. 

Not much later, he came back, Martin’s wooden leg in his hands and handed it to him. 

“Can I help you with putting on your prosthesis?” Otto asked, a broad smile on his face and a pretended curiosity in his eyes mixed with the expression of true love, Martin hoped no one would recognise. Martin glared at the young doctor and tried to pretend feeling humiliated by the other’s words.

“I can do it on my own pretty well, I don’t need any pity.” Martin snapped as reply and felt a bit sorry for Otto, who looked apologetically down at him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to offend you. I…I’m just curios how prostheses actually work, I just learned about them in theory because it’s not my business at all…” Otto continued a bit shyly but with his usual smile on his lips.

Martin hummed but drew back his blanket. “Go ahead” He mumbled reluctantly as he tried to imagine how he would feel if the doctor in front if him was not Otto but a stranger. Martin wondered once more, how good both of them had become in pretending not to know each other…

As Martin saw the bruises and the slight swelling of his residual limb, he realised that putting on the prosthetic leg and walking would hurt a lot, but to Martin’s relief, Otto was gentle as always as he pushed the older man’s stump into the prosthesis. The doctor had always been more careful with the short leg than Martin himself.

With Otto’s assistance, the nurse stood up and limped out of the room, noticing the younger patient’s bewildered glance at his back. He should talk to him later; maybe he could give him some hope but first he wanted to be with Otto so badly. He enjoyed the doctor’s smell as they slowly walked down the hallway side-by-side, Otto’s supporting arm around his waist. The younger man’s presence helped him to forget his pain and his worries for a short moment. Otto guided Martin into the ward’s small bathroom, before he locked them both in and his carefree expression vanished as he came over to kiss Martin carefully but passionate. 

After a moment, Otto let go of Martin’s lips. “You scared me, Martin. As you came to the OR and collapsed right in front of me…” The doctor’s voice was faint and shaky, his eyes wide, the fear clearly visible, making Martin feel queasy. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to scare you… I think… I still can’t remember what happened yesterday...” Martin’s voice cracked, and Otto sighed, caressing the nurse’s cheek fondly.   
“I asked some nurses, doctors and even some patients but no one knows anything about what happened yesterday. It’s like you’ve vanished and appeared again in the OR afterwards…”

Martin lowered his gaze. Somebody must have seen him, he felt it; Somehow, he knew that he had not been alone as it had happened, what ever it may have been. But as he tried to think more carefully about this sentiment, it felt like it slipped through his fingers. A discontented growl escaped his throat.

“We’ll figure it out together, ok? But you should go back to bed now and have a rest.” Otto pointed out fondly as he kissed Martin’s temple. The nurse nodded faintly, wondering why he had so much luck with Otto, who always took care of him… 

As Otto took a step back to open the door quickly, Martin staggered until Otto put a supportive arm around his paramour, so he could restore his balance. 

Slowly, they made their way back to Martin’s bed, but before they entered the room, they heard a muted voice from another room: “All nurses at the surgical ward are absolutely unreliable. The younger ones are too shy, then there are some they’re never on time and even Martin disappointed me. I gave him the task to deliver a pair of crutches, but they have never arrived, and I haven’t seen Martin since then, although he has the early shift today.”

Martin recognised Dr Wach’s voice immediately and the words were like a punch in his face. They think he’s not reliable? Had no one told the ward’s staff that he was on sick leave?

“I’m sorry, Martin. Dr Sauerbruch told me that he would change the duty-roster. Come on, please. I’ll clear it with Dr Wach.” Otto whispered softly and Martin hadn’t really realised that they had stopped walking until Otto told him to move on. Martin felt torn. On the one hand, he wanted to rest because the surgery had worn him out. On the other hand, he didn’t want anyone to think about him as untrustworthy, so he hesitated.

As he finally decided to move on, a door was opened, and Dr Wach entered the hallway right in front of Otto and Martin. The older doctor looked at the nurse briefly.

“So, you have decided not to hide anymore and come. Hurry up, Martin. There is much work for you to do.” He said angrily as he passed a very confused Martin. Didn’t the doctor realise that the nurse was not able to work? Martin was too bewildered to reply, but Otto couldn’t contain himself. “Martin won’t work today; he can barely stand without support and as a doctor you should be able to distinguish between nurse and patient.” The younger doctor pointed out impetuously.

Wach’s head span around furiously. “How dare you talk like that, Marquardt? I insist on respect!”

Suddenly a third voice joined the heated conversation: “So do I. Martin needs to rest. Marquardt, bring him back to his bed and Wach, you come along with me, we must talk about your respect for ill or injured staff.” Sauerbruch explained and his tone made clear that every protest was pointless.


	10. Chapter 10

Back in bed, Martin took off his prosthesis as Otto asked: “Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m fine. Thank you, Marquardt.”

The doctor nodded. “Alright. I’ll come again this evening to check on your surgery wound.” He said matter-of-factly but with a special smile on his face; a smile he only used when Martin was present, and the nurse loved the sparkle in the other’s eyes so much.

Martin was very glad that the doctor had decided to go home and have a rest before his nightshift started. At first, Otto had wanted to stay at Charité, so he would not be far away from Martin, but the nurse had refused because he didn’t want to be the reason for the doctor’s fatigue.

A few moments after Otto had left, the young patient next to Martin took a deep breath. “I owe you an apology. I… I didn’t know that you are an amputee. I didn’t mean to offend you, I’m just…”

“You are in an exceptional situation, I know and I can understand your thoughts; An amputation will change your life but believe me, it won’t change who you are and though it’s a scary thing…”

“You are not mad at me?” The patient asked astonished.

“How could I? I experienced it on my own and can still remember how it feels like. As Sauerbruch amputated my leg six years ago, I felt very lonely. There was no one I could ask about what a life as amputee would be like, so if you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask.” Martin explained softly.

Silence.

Martin could nearly feel that the other one struggled to find a way to put his questions and fears into words.

“Does… does it hurt?” The young man asked shyly and not to Martin’s surprise.

“You won’t notice anything while you are in surgery and afterwards, you’ll get some very strong painkillers. Maybe you’ll feel a bit uncomfortable then but it’s hard to say. Some patients don’t notice much, some others are in severe pain.”

The other one hummed. “And afterwards? When I learn to walk again?”

“Wearing a prosthetis feels very unfamiliar in the beginning but it’s hard to explain. You won’t be able to understand and so is the phantom pain or phantom sensation thing. Sometimes I can still feel my foot and that’s very weird and spooky…”

Their conversation continued for quite a while and Martin was glad as the young patient started to relax and maybe even to lose a bit of his fear.

In early afternoon, Sauerbruch entered the room in company of two nurses. After nodding at Martin, they went to the younger man’s bed.

“Ready for surgery?” Sauerburch asked and the patient nodded. Martin could still see some worries in the other’s eyes but obviously there was much more hope in them than in the morning, making Martin smile a bit. Sauerbruch seemed to notice the change in the young man’s behaviour as well, at least he looked at Martin briefly and his lips formed a silent “Good job.” Martin was sure no one else noted. Maybe it had been Sauerburch’s plan that Martin convinced the patient of the necessary surgery, but he didn’t mind. The most important thing was to help, and it seemed like it had worked.

Together with Sauerbruch, the nurses and the young patient, Martin’s utter satisfaction vanished, making him feel queasy and insecure again. He had to figure out what had happened to himself. Martin tried hard to remember but it felt like every memory regarding the incident had been wiped out of his brain and he realised that just thinking about it won’t help. He had to find the place where it had happened, and he could feel that it won’t be far away.

Martin looked around and only spotted a sleeping patient, no nurses, and no doctors. Carefully, he sat up and grabbed his prosthesis as a picture of a disappointed Otto appeared in his mind’s eye and Martin hesitated. He hated to break promises, but he couldn’t stay in bed and do nothing, so he told himself that he would be careful. Slowly, he put on his prosthesis, tied it up and stood up, before making his way through the small room quietly. As he entered the hallway, he didn’t even know where to go but decided to turn left to avoid the stairs. 

After walking a bit further, he needed to rest and as he started to move again, he heard a quiet sobbing, coming from a storage room. With a frown, Martin hesitated. Should he just go on and try to find the place of his accident, or should he check on what was going on behind the door? Martin realised that his feet won’t carry him much further in any case, so he turned left, knocked on the door and opened it carefully.

The typical smell of disinfectant reached Martin’s nostrils as he entered the small, dark room. At first sight, it seemed completely empty, but the sobbing told the nurse that this impression must be wrong.

When his eyes adjusted to the faint light, he noticed the contours of a person, curled up behind a storage rack. Martin then recognised the nurse’s uniform but didn’t know which of the trainees sat there. In Martin’s eyes, they all looked the same…

“Hey, what’s up?” He asked quietly, making the young woman cringe. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to scare you.” Martin added softly.

As the young girl looked at him, a strange feeling spread through Martin which he didn’t understand.

Slowly, he made his way through the room and sat down laboriously. “Can I help you somehow?”

Martin was slightly bewildered as the woman started to cry even more.

“No… no one can help me. I’m a horrible nurse… Every doctor shout at me… always… and they are right! I never do anything properly.” She sobbed heavily.

Martin knew that the girl exaggerated but he could understand. He remembered many situations when doctors had shouted at him, but meanwhile he knew that most of the time, they didn’t mean what they said when they were too stressed.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

The girl snorted. “I’m a coward; Especially you should know that!”

Martin didn’t understand what the girl meant. “Why do you think that you are a coward? I sometimes think of me as a coward, too. Everyone does… But most of the time it’s nonsense.”

The young woman looked at him with wide eyes. “You are definitely not a coward! You are the exemplary nurse at Charité’s surgical ward. Nearly everyone likes you; your patients; the nurses; the doctors. You have all qualities a nurse needs and you are the only one, Sauerbruch never shouts at.” She explained and tears rolled down her cheeks.  
Martin frowned and felt torn. On the one hand, he appreciated that others respected the way he worked, but on the other hand, her statements were not true at all. Sauerbruch shouted at him as well and he was definitely not inerrant. 

“I make mistakes, too but you have to keep in mind that I have worked at Charité for about six years now and you have just started your training some months ago. Everyone needs time to adjust.”

The young woman nodded hesitantly. “I think I have to go back to work now. Thank you, Martin. Thank you that you are not mad at me…” She whispered as she stood up and Martin still didn’t understand.

“Ah, wait a second then… Can you help me to stand up, please?” He asked reluctantly, but as he saw the anxious expression on the nurse’s face, a memory hit him like a shock.   
Suddenly he remembered what had happened yesterday. The object on the ground, the stairs, the feeling of falling down and the nurse. She has been there, too!

“You… you have left me alone although I had passed out and you didn’t try to get help!” Martin exclaimed upset and tears welled up in the girl’s eyes again. “I’m…I’m so sorry!” She stammered, turned around and ran away.

“Wait! You can’t always run away. That’s not a solution!” Martin called after her and tried to figure out which way was the easiest to stand up on his own.

In that moment, he heard the sound of fast steps. A sound he would always recognise at the hallways of Charité, but in this moment, it didn’t make much sense…

“Martin?” Otto asked as he rushed in. “For heaven’s sake, what are you doing here? You should stay in bed!” The doctor knelt in front of him, caressing his cheek fondly but with a reproachful glance in his eyes.

“And you wanted to go home and have a rest, Otto.” Martin replied a bit reproachful as well.

“I couldn’t calm down there. It’s so silent and lonely without you…” Otto whispered and pulled Martin in a short kiss. “So, what are you doing here?”

“I had to find out what had happened. I can remember now…” 

Otto’s eyes widened, so Martin started to explain. As he had ended, Otto said: “Ok. I’ll bring you to your bed now. What do you think should happen with nurse Anna?” Otto helped Martin to his feet and the older man sighed.

“I don’t know… Maybe you can talk to her? I mean you are a doctor, so you have more power in this system than I have. You could try to find out if nursing is what she really wants to do, because she has to learn how to deal with complicated situations then or should think about quitting her training… It’s obvious that she can’t go on like this. Maybe next time she risks the life of a real patient…”

“You are a real patient, too.” Otto interrupted fondly, making Martin roll his eyes.

“You know what I mean!” He replied with a smile on his lips and Otto nodded slightly.

Not much later, Martin lay in his bed again.

“Sleep a bit; you look tired.” Otto whispered as Martin’s eyes slowly started to close.


	11. Chapter 11

It was a good feeling to come home and know that there was someone who waited for him, even if Otto knew that Martin would prefer to go to work as well. With a big smile on his face, Otto entered the living room. 

“Hey, I’m back.” He whispered into Martin’s ear after crossing the small room. The doctor absolutely loved the other’s smell but when Martin turned around and started to kiss him, Otto was once more overwhelmed by his affection. His heartbeat got faster as he pulled the nurse closer, kissing him even more passionately. Otto wondered once more, how much power his lover had over him, making his legs feel like jelly and his brain nearly refused to work properly. Suddenly, Martin winced slightly as if he tried to hide it, but Otto had noticed it anyway and took a step back. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you… you still have to take it easy; your surgery was only a few days ago…” Otto whispered gently as he caressed the older man’s cheek fondly. Martin didn’t answer but kissed Otto again.

In the last few days as Martin lay at the public surgical ward, they had no chance for intimacies, so there was much to catch up on.

“I love you.” Martin mumbled fondly, making Otto’s heart speed up, but the whistling boiler interrupted the comfortable atmosphere. “I love you, too.” Otto replied before he hurried to the kitchen to get the hot water for their tea. Not much later, they sat at the table, a cup of cheap tea in front of each and both enjoyed the peaceful silence and the presence of the other one.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, making Martin and Otto exchange confused looks. Who could be at the door? Otto stood up and hurried towards the door, remembering that the last unannounced visitor had been Karl, Martin’s brother.

With a frown, Otto opened the door and froze completely as he saw the person in front of him. His heart filled with love and joy as he wrapped his arms around the smaller women and a special smell rose into his nose. A smell of safety, but far different from the sense of security Martin gave him. No, it was the smell of carefree days, of the time before the horrible war had changed everything.

“Otto, I’m so glad to see you.” His mother whispered in his ear, making him feel a bit guilty. He had visited her only once after the end of the war, because he didn’t want to lie to his mother and there was much work to do indeed, so he had always found excuses to avoid a visit, even if Martin had insisted on Otto spending time with his family…

“I missed you, Mutti.”, Otto replied and realised that his words were entirely true. Slowly, he let go of her. “Please come in! And tell me, what brings you here?”

“If my son refuses to come home for a visit, I have to visit him myself.” She pointed out but her facial expression was far less reproachful than her words.

“I’m sorry, but…”

“There’s much work to do, I know. It’s the same with Anni…” His mother interrupted and patted his arm. Yes, he must call Anni soon, he thought that she had sounded very sad the last time they had spoken to each other…

“Do you want to drink something? There is some fresh tea if you like?”

“Yes, tea sounds lovely. It’s still a bit cold outside, isn’t it?”

Otto nodded as he guided his mother into the living room, where Martin struggled to his feet. “Ah, Otto’s saviour! Nice to meet you again, Mr. Schelling.” The woman said warmly. “The pleasure is all mine, Mrs. Marquardt.” Martin replied formally and Otto saw that he felt slightly uncomfortable.

Martin had met Otto’s mother once at the doctor’s bedside a few days after he had been shot. The nurse had brought a glass of water and was not aware of Otto having visitors. Otto thought that he may have avoided to come if he had known. It had been a strange situation for Martin and Otto, but in the end, it had been kind of uneventful because Otto’s mother only wanted to thank Martin for rescuing her son before his duty called again. 

“Well, I’ll give you some privacy then.” Martin added and started to limp across the room. “Please stay, Mr. Schelling. Your tea would get cold otherwise.” Martin stopped and looked back as if he tried to figure out which answer would be the politest. Otto nodded slightly with an encouraging smile.

“Alright. If you don’t mind, I’ll stay. But please call me Martin, otherwise it feels like being in the Wehrmacht again.” Martin explained and Otto saw his mother tensing up as she noticed Martin’s uneven gait, showing clearly that he was a war invalid.

Otto’s father had committed suicide not long after his birth because of irreversible injuries he had suffered during the first World War and didn’t want to live as a helpless cripple. Otto knew that his mother still struggled with it. Sometimes he thought that he only had wanted to become a doctor to prevent other’s from going through the same nightmare as his family had to.

His mother took a deep breath and a warm smile appeared on her face again. “Then please call me Ilse.” She offered and Martin nodded politely.

“Let’s sit down! How’s life going in Allgäu?” Otto asked and really enjoyed the upcoming conversation. He had always loved to listen to his mother and her stories.

As the time passed, a cosy atmosphere developed, making Otto and Martin both relax until the conversation came to an awkward point.

“Otto, I’m curious. So, what about a girlfriend?” Otto tensed up immediately. He knew that his mother would ask about it, but why had it do be in front of Martin? It was hard enough to deny his love but to know that Martin listened was far more painful. 

Otto shook his head. “No, there’s no girlfriend yet.” 

Not yet and never will be. It wasn’t even a lie, but it still felt horrible. Otto looked at Martin briefly. The nurse had lowered his head and clenched his teeth, trying to control his breath and Otto was sure that no one else would even notice. Otto gently stroked Martin’s healthy leg with his foot to reassure both of them. 

“Come on, Otto. I know that there must be someone.” She replied before she turned to Martin and explained proudly: “Otto has always been good with girls and was the village’s heart-throb.”

Martin tried to smile, but in Otto’s eyes it looked rather tormented. Fortunately, his mother seemed like she didn’t notice. Otto wanted to yell at her. She should stop hurting Martin this much. Martin. His Martin. The man he loved and the one who made him entirely happy with his pure existence. He wanted to scream it out to the world that he loved Martin and never wanted to have someone else by his side, but he couldn’t. It was too dangerous for all of them and he was too afraid. What would his mother say, what would she do if she found out about his homosexuality? 

“Mutti, I don’t need a girlfriend to be happy, so please stop asking.” Otto replied almost harshly, making his mother wince a bit.

An uncomfortable silence occurred until Martin cleared his throat. “I’ll prepare dinner then.” Martin explained as he stood up.

“Today is my turn; I promised…”

“Yes, but that was before you knew that your mother comes for a visit.” Martin clarified, making Otto feel torn but he knew that protest was pointless, and that Martin took the chance to escape the Marquardt’s family issues gratefully. Otto nodded slightly but tried to tell Martin quietly to take it easy.

“He looks a bit pale, doesn’t he?” Ilse asked after Martin had left, making Otto smile a bit. It seemed like Martin had awoken her maternal instincts and when Otto thought about it more carefully, it wasn’t even a big surprise. Martin was about Otto’s and Anni’s age…

“He had an accident last week and is still on sick leave.”

“And you let him cook though?” His mother asked a bit outraged, making Otto smile reassuringly now.

“He would have insisted on doing the dishes instead. He can be a bit stubborn sometimes and I think he is a bit bored by staying at home all day.” Otto replied too affectionately in his ears. Dammit, Otto. Be careful! Fortunately, his mother didn’t notice his fond tone.

“He’s such a polite man, isn’t he?” She sighed.

Yes, Martin was the politest, the most handsome and absolutely the most affectionate man in the world. Otto wanted to tell his mother so badly. He didn’t want to lie anymore, but instead he nodded slightly.

“What do you think… Anni and Martin would make a lovely couple, wouldn’t they?”

It felt like his mother had pulled the rug out from underneath his feet. Anni and… Martin? His Martin? That was… absolutely ridiculous. Otto remembered Anni’s and Martin’s stiff behaviour every time they had met in the attic. On the one hand, Otto appreciated that his mother liked Martin, but that she would enjoy seeing Anni and Martin as a couple? It hurt so damn much, and he felt tears welling up behind his eyes. This was worse; so much worse than he had ever imagined and he felt so helpless…

“I don’t think that it would work…” His voice was shaky. “I think Anni doesn’t want a boyfriend after what she experienced with Artur.” He whispered and couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. “He has hurt her so much.” Otto added to pretend he cried out of pity for his older sister, that he cried because of the injustice an innocent little child had been confronted with, because of a disability…

His mother came over, hugged him tightly and joined in crying.

“You are so right, Otto. I shouldn’t try to find her a new husband. She’s old enough and so are you. I just forget sometimes that you are not a seven-year-old boy anymore…” His mother sobbed heavily in his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this story doesn't get too boring, because there are many other stories telling the story of Otto and his mother.   
> I hope it's different enough and you enjoy reading :)  
> If you have ideas to improve my writing, please let me know. I appreciate every comment!


	12. Chapter 12

Half an hour later, Martin had finished cooking and the three of them started to eat. Fortunately, Otto’s mother had changed the topic and it seemed like she preferred to talk about more pleasant things as well.

“Oh, Martin. This stew is so lovely; it’s far the best I ate in quite a time.” Ilse pointed out and Otto agreed wholeheartedly. Martin was indeed a talented cook, unlike Otto who managed sometimes to ruin even the simplest dishes.

“Thank you, I’m very pleased to hear that.” Martin replied a bit stiffly and blushed immediately. He was an introvert through and through and coping with compliments was definitely not his long suit, but though, Otto loved the way the nurse reacted, his deep voice gentle and his cheeks slightly blushed. He looked far too cute and Otto wanted to kiss him right in that moment. _Do not even think about it, Marquardt. Your mother doesn’t know, and she shouldn’t know as well._

“Are Otto’s cooking skills still as bad as I remember them? I think he never cooked something palatable…” Ilse whispered conspiratorially to Martin, making Otto roll his eyes. “I think I was ten when I tried. Mother didn’t let me go into the kitchen afterwards.” He explained to defend himself. Martin grinned amusedly, maybe even mischievous, before turning serious again. “He really improved, but he’s still practicing, I think.” Martin said politely and Otto was sure that his mother wouldn’t believe how often the polite Martin had teased him because of his bad cooking skills.

Nearly anyone knew the funny, mischievous, and absolutely lovable man who preferred to hide behind a wall made of graveness and kept everyone at distance…

Otto hummed, making Martin and Ilse both smile at him.

“Mother, were do you plan to spend the night?” He changed the topic and his mother shrugged. “I wanted to go to the place where I stayed the last time I visited you, maybe they have a room left…” Otto looked at Martin who nodded slightly, barely visible but enough for Otto to know that his paramour agreed to his unspoken proposal. 

“That’s nonsense. Please stay here. You’ll get my bed and I’ll take the sofa.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, I am. We haven’t met for so long, so I don’t want to waste the time you spend here. How long do you want to stay?” Otto asked and tried to figure out how he could manage to have as much spare time as possible. 

“I could only bring enough insulin for the next four days. It’s still hard to get…” 

Otto nodded. “Maybe I can get a day off. I’ll ask tomorrow.” He was glad to have his mother by his side, but there was the steady feeling of fear, too. As long as his mother stayed at their flat, Martin and Otto had to be careful and there was again not much time for intimacies and affection…

After clearing the table, Otto came back to the living room. “Martin, it’s time for your postsurgical care! I promised Sauerbruch to take it seriously.” That wasn’t even a lie, Otto realized, but though it felt like one. In the last two days, Martin had taken care of his surgical suture on his own, but now it was a chance to spend a few minutes alone and Ilse wouldn’t even mind.

Fortunately, Martin understood immediately what Otto intended. The nurse sighed reluctantly and muttered something like: “Sauerbruch really exaggerates with feeling responsible for me…” 

“He wants his best nurse back at work as soon as possible, I think.” Otto pointed out and together they left the living room.

Otto closed the door of their bedroom while Martin sat down on the bed. The nurse started to unbutton his shirt, but Otto knelt in front of him and gently brushed his hands aside to continue the nurse’s work. His hands stroked over Martin’s skin. It was a strange thought that his mother sat next door, unaware that this check-up had not only medical reasons.

“You are afraid.” Martin whispered as Otto grabbed the boracic ointment from the nightstand. Yes. That was obvious. His hands trembled, so lying to his lover was no option. He nodded. “I’m afraid… and I’m so sorry!”

Martin looked confused now. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because I’m a coward. I can’t tell her the truth, so I hurt you. I deny my love, I deny you! I…”

Martin raised a finger to Otto’s lips before caressing his cheek fondly. “Everything is alright, I can handle that. Being a homosexual means lying…” 

“But I saw your face when mother talked about me being every girl’s best friend. I don’t want to hurt you; I don’t want her to hurt you.”

“You are not the one who hurts me. It’s the law that makes our lives so difficult and sometimes even painful, ok? _You_ are the one who makes me smile every day, who makes me happy, so please don’t forget that… And you don’t have to tell your mother. Maybe it’s safer when she doesn’t know, but it’s definitely your choice. I can understand both decisions…” The nurse whispered fondly as he leaned a bit forward and kissed Otto gently.

“Thank you.” Otto replied quietly and was once more grateful for what a wonderful person Martin was…

He decided to stick to their lie, at least for today.

***

At the same time, Ilse sat in the living room, completely lost in thought. She enjoyed being with her son, but there was something about his behavior that was far different than before the war. Yes, he was still open and warmhearted. A real sunshine as their neighbours used to say, but she felt that he tried to hide something. Something important, something he didn’t want to talk about. But what could it be? Despite this one thing he seemed to be happy, maybe even happier than he had been in Allgäu some years ago.

She realized that there was also something different about Otto’s appearance. Something was missing, but she didn’t know exactly what it was. There was only one thing that was obvious for her: Her son had a secret, an important one and she was determined to figure it out.


	13. Chapter 13

“It’s been a long day. I bet you are tired, aren’t you?” Otto entered the living room, beaming at his mother. 

Ilse was glad to see that her son could still smile as joyfully as before the war. There were so many of his classmates who hadn’t come back and so many others with dull eyes, horrified by what they had seen and maybe even done, but not Otto. His eyes were still shiny and though, Ilse was sure that he was traumatized too, he must have seen so many soldiers dying… It seemed like he could cope quite well. Ilse thanked God once more for saving her son. She was glad that he had never been in the front line and had had the opportunity to spend time at Charité to do his exams and was not stationed at a military sickbay the whole war through…

“Yes, you are right. I’m very tired.” She replied and Otto nodded. “You can go to the bathroom then and I’ll make your bed.”

“Please, let me help you.”

Otto hesitated, a strange look in his eyes. Had she said something wrong? She tried to guess: “You don’t have to feel ashamed if your room is not as neat as the rest of this flat. I know your chaos quite well, you know?” Otto started to laugh a bit. “I’m not as chaotic as you remember me, believe me. I just want you to enjoy your visit.”

“I enjoy every minute I can spend with you, so let me help.” Ilse pointed out an stood up. “If that’s what you want? Then come with me.” Otto replied lightheartedly on their way to his room, but Ilse could hear the slightly reluctant tone in his voice.

Together they entered the tiny room and Ilse raised an eyebrow. The atmosphere was completely different than in the living room. There were no pictures and no private things in this room. It nearly seemed like it wasn’t used often.

Otto opened the wardrobe and gave Ilse a blanket and a pillow, before closing it hastily as if he wanted her not to look in it too closely. He took a duvet cover out of a drawer and smiled at her warmheartedly as always.

A few minutes later, the bed was ready to be used, so Ilse went to the bathroom before wishing Otto a good night. As she lay in the bed, she stared at the dark ceiling. She could feel that this room had something to do with Otto’s secret. She was pretty sure that he didn’t sleep in this room often, but where did he sleep then?

She stood up quietly and went to the wardrobe. She opened it curiously and frowned. There was not much in it. A few trousers and shirts, a few of them looking slightly bigger than she would have imagined Otto’s clothes, but anyway, it was not enough to pull through more than a couple of days…

Something was strange, really strange and she didn’t understand what was going in here. Did Otto have a girlfriend, but didn’t want to tell her? That didn’t even make sense, why should he make a secret of her?

***

Otto woke up early in the morning. Slowly, he sat up and groaned quietly. The tiny sofa was way too small for him and was definitely not comfortable. He felt a bit stiff and his back hurt a lot. How could he sleep on this damn sofa in the next few days, knowing that there was enough space for him in the bed next to Martin?

He sighed and then heard some uneven steps, obviously Martin’s. He was awake, too…

A few minutes later, the nurse entered the living room, smiling fondly at Otto.

“Good morning, my sunshine.” He whispered while running his fingers through Otto’s messy hair. The doctor stood up and kissed his lover fondly, his heart beating fast against his chest. _Dangerous, your mother has always preferred to get up early._ Reluctantly, Otto pulled away and lowered his head a bit.

“I’m sorry… Not now, please…” He whispered, making Martin smile reassuringly at him.

“I’ll make some tea, then.” Martin replied and had already left, making Otto sigh again. Why had it to be so complicated? How could love be wrong, when it felt so good?

Otto went to the bathroom to distract himself from these depressing thoughts. He heard some muted voices and knew that his mother had gone to the living room. Hastily, he went to ‘his room’, the room that was barely used but existed to pretend that Martin and Otto had separated rooms. Otto got dressed, but it took him some time to find a pair of his own trousers in this back-up wardrobe, as most of them were Martin’s…

After finishing successfully, he found his mother sitting in the living room. She gave him a strange look as he entered the room. Had she noticed something? 

“Good morning, did you sleep well?” Otto asked and tried to sound lightheartedly. “Good morning. Yes, I slept quite well, but you look tired.” Otto shrugged. “Nothing to worry about.” He said jauntily and sat down as well.

He felt his mother’s closer look. She knew that something was different, Otto realized worriedly.

Suddenly, his mother’s eyes widened, and Otto spotted many different emotions in them. Anger, disappointment and as well… fear. “Otto” She whispered. Her voice shaky. “Where is your necklace?” 

Dammit. What should he answer? He couldn’t tell her the truth, but what then? That he had lost it? No, he couldn’t say that either. It would break his mother’s heart… Why hadn’t he thought about it earlier? He realised that it wouldn’t have changed anything. He couldn’t have asked Martin to give the necklace back, only to make his mother happy. He would have hurt Martin a lot with that. Why did love hurt this much?

In that moment, Martin entered the room.

“Tell me the truth, Otto. Where is your necklace?” Ilse repeated harshly and Martin froze immediately.

“It’s the only gift you ever got from your father. Why haven’t you taken better care of it?” She whispered upset, making Otto’s heart ache. He looked at Martin briefly, the nurse’s eyes were wide in shock. Otto had never told him how important this necklace really was for him.

“I stored it in a safe place. The safest one I know.” Otto replied and stood up determined.


	14. Chapter 14

Otto‘s heart was in his mouth when he went to Martin who was still frozen in motion. With trembling hands, Otto grabbed the nurse‘s fingers and dragged him behind until they stood in front of his mother. Martin didn’t say anything, but squeezed his lover’s hand and helped him to keep in mind that he was not alone. Otto was afraid but he wanted to tell the truth at all costs.

„I took care of my necklace.“ He said with a shaky voice. He reached out for the lucky charm at Martin’s neck and showed it to his mother. She looked at them, bewildered and Otto realised that she didn’t understand what he wanted to tell her. The idea of a homosexual relationship seemed to be too absurd for her to even take it into account, or she refused to understand what she saw... 

Otto took a deep breath and knew that there was no way back as he turned to Martin, pulled him closer and started to kiss him. Right in front of his mother. For a split second, Martin didn’t even move, he seemed to be surprised by Otto’s behaviour as well, but then leaned in and kissed him back.

It was a rough kiss. Martin’s glasses dug in their faces and both struggled to catch their breaths . It was a bit similar to their very first kiss but also completely different.

Otto let go of Martin’s lips and turned to his mother again. She stared at them, shocked and in complete disbelief. The joy and enthusiasm Otto always felt while kissing Martin vanished immediately and was replaced by fear again, making him feel queasy but though he said decidedly: “I’m in love with Martin and I know that he will always protect my necklace as well as my life.” 

Ilse still didn’t say anything. She just looked at Otto, trying to control her breathing, but to Otto’s surprise, he couldn’t find any hint of disgust on his mother’s face. There was only one emotion visible: pure fear.

“Otto... oh, Otto.” She whispered finally, before burying her face in her hands. Her reaction was far different from what Otto had expected it to be, but then he realised that he wasn’t even sure what he had thought his mother would do...

Maybe he had rather imagined that she would yell at him, trying to convince him that he should go and find a girlfriend he could live with. He had been halfway ready to fight her arguments but what should he do now? He has made his mother cry... For a moment, Otto was now the one to be frozen in motion.

Martin touched his arm softly and gestures that Otto should go to his mother, wrap his arms around her and try to comfort her. Otto nodded and did exactly what his lover wanted him to.

As he knelt next to his mother, he heard the silent sound of a closing door, so he knew that Martin had left the living room...

Ilse sobbed heavily into her hands and that was the only hearable sound for the next minutes. Otto didn’t know what to say, so he just held his mother tightly in his arms.

After quite a time, Ilse started to relax, at least a bit.

“It’s dangerous, Otto... it’s against the law!” She whispered faintly after raising her head to look into Otto’s eyes directly. Otto sighed and nodded. Yes, it was dangerous and it was against the law, there was no chance of denying it but in his eyes, it was worth it.

To live with Martin, to be woken by him, to see him laugh about their jokes... That was everything he wanted.

“It’s against God as well.” She added and tears rolled down her cheeks again. Otto knew that she would come up with this argument. His mother has always been very religious...

Otto stood up and went to the window. 

“Do you remember what you taught Anni and me when we were younger? About God?” He asked while watching the cars and the pedestrians downstairs on the street. “You told us that God is merciful, that he loves every human. So if he loves everyone, how can my love to Martin be a sin?” Otto continued and went back to his mother. “I love him and I will never give him up.” 

Ilse was still breathing heavily. “But you live in constant danger!... I’m afraid, Otto. What will happen to you if someone finds out?” 

Otto sighed. “Mother, if someone finds out we’ll be arrested, I think... Believe me, I’m scared of this fact too, but we have done this for more than three years now. We are careful, I promise!”

“Does Anni know?”

“Inevitably... yes. She was not amused when she figured out that I’m homosexual but she accepts it now. You don’t know the whole story about Martin and me, Anni and Karin yet... you don’t know the main reason for my desertion. Maybe it’s time to tell you the whole truth now...”

Ilse gave him a concerned look and the fear was still clearly visible on her face.

“Then I think Martin should join us.” Otto was deeply surprised by his mother’s words. “It’s his story as well, isn’t it?” She added and Otto nodded, too baffled to say anything.

“Listen, Otto. I’m not sure what I should think about homosexual relationships in general, but I can see that he makes you happy. I knew that there must be someone in your life who makes you look so contentedly. I assumed that you had a girlfriend but didn’t want to tell me about her and I didn’t understand why you tried to hide her, but now it makes sense. Please give us the chance to get to know each other.” 

The strong feeling of relief spread through Otto, making him smile brightly. He hugged his mother tightly. “Thank you... thank you so much, Mutti!” 

Then, Otto hurried into the kitchen and found Martin watching out the window, a cup of tea in his hands. Slowly, he turned around and looked at Otto questioningly. Otto realised that his lover had absolutely no clue about how his conversation went. He was too polite to listen to private dialogs.

“She wants you to join our conversation. We should tell her our story, shouldn’t we?” Otto beamed at Martin. 

“She accepts it?” 

Otto nodded. “She’s very frightened of what the consequences of our relationship could be, but she wants you to get to know each other. I think that means as much as she accepts us.” He explained and his heart beat like crazy, but this time not because of fear but of happiness. They didn’t have to hide anymore for the next few days, at least not at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started to write this chapter, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted Ilse‘s reaction to be like. There were so many possibilities... Maybe it would have been more interesting if she didn’t agree, but I remembered the only scene where she is visible in the series. In my opinion, she was just frightened of Otto‘s desertion not angry or anything else and she didn’t blame Anni for Karin being disabled as others may have done back then, so I think Ilse must be a warm-hearted person. And she loves her son so much, that she could never disown him. I hope you can agree to what I imagine Otto‘s mother to be like and you enjoyed reading this chapter :)


	15. Chapter 15

A few minutes later, the three of them sat around the table, their breakfast in front of them. Fortunately, Otto had the afternoon shift today, so there was no reason to hurry.

Ilse watched the young couple carefully. Otto remembered his mother’s protective instincts quite well. She has always been very interested in the background of Anni’s boyfriends and always had wanted to make sure that their children were in safe hands. The young doctor hoped so badly that she wouldn’t force Martin to remember the hardest parts of his past… At least, Otto was very happy that the fear on his mother’s face was slowly replaced by curiosity.

“So you are in love with my son, aren’t you?”

Otto’s heart skipped a beat when he saw the beautiful smile on Martin’s face. It was a smile full of love, he rarely showed anyone except Otto.

“Yes, I am.”

Ilse nodded and smiled slightly in return. “Alright. I just wanted to hear that out of your mouth as well… You two wanted to tell me your story, maybe you should start with it now?” Ilse asked invitingly.

Yes, they should start now, but where? At the beginning? When the two of them were barely more than strangers? Or should they skip this part and start with the time when they were arrested- when Otto decided to desert? Even before Otto came to a decision, Martin surprised him with starting to speak.

“Otto easily wrapped everyone at Charité’s surgical ward around his little finger within the first days. Me included, but I knew that my feelings were too dangerous to be admitted. When I saw Otto the first time, I knew immediately that I had to be careful, so I decided to keep him at distance as I did with everyone else as well, but he made it impossible… We started to meet after our shifts and spent our breaks together… I tried hard to forget about my feelings. I was sure that Otto would never be able to love me, because he flirted with the female nurses so easily… That’s why I was completely shocked when he confessed his love to me at Christmas eve ’43.”

Before this night, Otto had been sure that Martin wouldn’t feel the same about him, but he had wanted to tell him badly that the nurse was the one he loved. He hadn’t wanted to leave him without telling him, even if he had been afraid and Martin’s first reaction had nearly broken his heart. To think that Martin was disgusted by him - these few seconds had been the worst he had ever experienced, back then… That Martin had already been convicted and had been in severe danger from then on had made Otto feel queasy for far more than one time. Martin was willing to risk everything for him, so he knew that his love has always been real.

Suddenly, Otto realised, why Martin had leapt at the chance to tell the beginning of their story. It gave him the opportunity to conceal his condemnation. Martin nearly refused to talk about it and Otto never asked, so it’s logical that the nurse didn’t want Ilse to know. Martin had already surprised Otto with being extremely open by his standards and that he spoke about their relationship in front of a ‘stranger’, was a sign of confidence towards the young doctor. The slightly older man knew quite well that Otto trusted his mother and he had obviously decided to trust Ilse as well…

Martin’s words made Otto think of the time when he found out about himself being homosexual. In the beginning, Otto had been very anxious about his feeling for Martin. He hadn’t understood what happened, because he had never felt so good in the presence of another person, before he had met Martin. He had never really thought about kissing someone else actively until then. 

After accepting being different, he had started to allow his thoughts and feelings, because they made his life happier and easier. Someday, he found himself thinking about Martin, his smile, and his gentle voice during lectures and from then on, the lectures of de Crinis had been nearly endurable.   
When Anni’s former Ph. D. supervisor had talked about battle fatigue, Otto had thought about Martin’s fascinating blue eyes behind his glasses.   
When de Crinis had spoken about homosexually seducing and seduced men and what had to be done with those criminals, Otto had imagined what it would feel like touching the nurse’s hair and sometimes even imagined to kiss him, never even hoping for his thoughts to become reality…

When the young doctor remembered this, he couldn’t help but grinned with gloating. No one would ever have guessed his thoughts, and this gave him a feeling of joy. In this regard, he was entirely free…

“I told Otto that we could never be a couple and tried to stay away from him, but again it didn’t work… However, no one ever noticed anything about us, no one asked unpleasant questions, but the day when Otto was supposed to leave Charité changed everything.” Martin continued but casted an inviting glance at Otto.

Yes, maybe it was his turn to tell his mother the uncomfortable part of their story. He sighed quietly before starting to speak. “When I bid farewell to the Charité staff, one of the nurses kissed me.” Otto still felt uneasy when he thought about this incident. 

Kissing a girl had never felt good, but this kiss was absolutely awkward. It was bad enough that Christel had been a Hitler fanatic, but knowing that Martin had had to watch this scene, made it far worse.

“She asked me for an engagement in front of the others. Of course, I rejected it. I didn’t want to hurt Martin and I couldn’t live a lie for the rest of my life, so I preferred to break her heart and left. I didn’t know that I risked our lives with it… She decided to destroy me because I humiliated her. She wanted revenge…”

To know that Christel was dead now was still strange. She tried to destroy them, but Otto would never have wished her to die. In the end, it made life easier now. Christel would never have stopped revealing their love…

“Nurse Christel knew that Martin and I were at least friends and that was enough for her to denounce us…”

Otto’s mother stared at them and he could see tears welling up behind her eyes again.

“I had already entered the train which should bring me to the Front as some officers searched for me and brought me to the police station without telling me the reason for it…”

Otto needed some seconds to gather himself and in the meantime Martin continued.

“I was arrested at the same time at Charité but was not brought to a police station, but to Charité’s psychiatric ward. It was obvious that they were not interested in a fair trial. Nurse Christel’s predication was enough to find me guilty… At least they were sure that I was the seducing part and I hoped so badly that Otto wouldn’t be brought to one of the concentration camps… As a seduced man, it was usual to get front probation, but I was sure to be deported soon. I wondered how long I would made it in one of those camps. With my today’s knowledge, I think they would have killed me right at the beginning because I’m… not usable for hard labour…” Martin explained nearly matter-of-factly, sending shivers down Otto’s spine.

Pictures of Martin leapt to his mind. Martin – shot dead. Martin – famished, emaciated and barely able to walk…

Otto squeezed his eyes shut for a second and grabbed Martin’s trembling hand. The young doctor knew how much the nurse still suffered when he remembered his arrest, even if it seemed like he wasn’t bothered by it. The agitated movement of his eyes revealed his psychic trauma he successfully hid from the rest of the world, but not from Otto. Martin was traumatised by what he had experienced in his cell but that wasn’t everything. Martin often mumbled in his sleep, sometimes he started to cry and whispered that the officers should let Otto go and take him instead… Otto often felt guilty. Without him, Martin would never have been in this situation…

Martin and Otto both wanted to get it over with, so Otto continued: “At the police station, they tried to get a confession that Martin had seduced me, so I would only get front probation… Somehow I managed to find out that it must have been Nurse Christel who made a report and I could convince the officer to let me go… When I left the station, I realised that I couldn’t… I couldn’t leave for the Front without knowing what happened to Martin… That’s the actual reason why I deserted.”

Why was it still so hard to talk about it?

Ilse started to cry again and shook her head. “You hazarded Otto’s life!” She blurted out reproachfully at Martin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it doesn't get too boring.   
> I don't really like this chapter, but I wanted to write this conversation.  
> Maybe you'll enjoy it anyway ;)


	16. Chapter 16

“Mother, stop it!” Otto interrupted her harshly. How could she blame Martin for _his_ desertion?

“It was never my intention to jeopardise Otto.” Martin whispered, his head lowered, making him look so vulnerable that Otto wanted to comfort him immediately. He wanted to hug his lover and tell him that everything was alright, that he never had forced Otto to do something he hadn’t wanted to do.

“But you put him in danger. He fell in love with you!”

Otto nearly started to laugh because of his frustration. His mother’s words were so ridiculous!

“How can you blame Martin for his pure existence? I know that you need time to adjust to my relationship, but don’t condemn Martin just because _I_ am different from what you want me to be like. Martin saved my life more than once and if you can’t accept him, it’s time for you to go.” Otto nearly jelled at his mother and to his horror, she stood up and tears rolled down her cheeks when she left the living room.

It felt like the whole world collapsed around Otto. Tears welled up behind his eyes. No. That just couldn’t have happened!

Otto sat on his chair, frozen. All his hope was gone by now. Suddenly, he felt strong arms around him which hauled him up. Martin embraced him tightly and his warm hands stroked Otto’s back.

The feeling of anger spread through his body. No. Not because of Martin. The doctor really appreciated his effort to soothe him. No, it was because of the injustice they were confronted with all the time.

Otto wanted to destroy something, he wanted to smash something to calm down again. He realised that he needed some fresh air urgently instead, so he shoved Martin aside, far rougher than intended. The nurse writhes in pain and staggered back a few steps. Otto felt guilty immediately and hurried towards his boyfriend so he could support himself on the doctor.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Martin! I didn’t want to hurt you…” The young man whispered despairingly. It felt like he had destroyed everything. The relation with his mother and he had inflicted pain on Martin who just wanted to help him! That were two things he never had wanted to do…

“Don’t worry about me please. Everything is alright.” Martin groaned through clenched teeth and his pained tone gave the lie to his words.

“Nothing is alright!”

***

At the same time, Ilse sat on the bed in Otto’s room. No, not really Otto’s room, just one he had pretended to be his… Did Otto and Martin share a room? Did they share a bed? They were a couple, so of course they did. It was an odd thought Ilse didn’t want to bring to an end. She felt so torn.

On the one hand, she knew that they were happy together, but on the other hand she still struggled with the fact that her handsome, charming son was a homosexual and that he was in constant danger because of it. He risked his life because of love! Well, he had to love Martin a lot then…

Why had it to be a man? Yes, she liked the polite and silent Martin. She really would have appreciated him and Anni being a couple, but now that she knew about Otto’s feelings, she started to see Martin’s less perfect side. 

The young man was a nurse, far less qualified than Otto or Anni and he was obviously incomplete. He hadn’t told her yet, but Ilse was sure that he was an amputee. The way he walked, a bit unsteady and limping, was enough for her to know.

Why had Otto chosen a disabled man? He could have had every girl he wanted!

Suddenly, he heard Otto’s voice in her head. ‘Mother, stop it!’ He was so right with that. She didn’t love Karin less because of her hydrocephalus, so why should it be different with Otto and Martin?

Ilse sighed heavily. Why was it so complicated? She loved the way Otto had smiled earlier today. He had looked so happy. Happy because she visited him and happy because of his boyfriend… Why couldn’t she accept it? She was confused, so confused that she didn’t know what was wrong and what was right…   
Maybe she should talk to Otto again. Maybe he could convince her of not being so afraid anymore, so she stood up and went to the living room. Martin’s gentle voice reached her ears when she stopped in front of the thin, wooden door which separated the living room from the rest of the flat.

***

Fondly, Martin caressed Otto’s cheek. The nurse’s pained expression was by now replaced by true love.

“I can understand your mother. She needs time and is afraid. Maybe she is even right… I _am_ the reason why you risk your life every day and I felt guilty back then, when you were arrested and when you deserted because of me.” Martin’s voice was so gentle, and Otto wondered once more why he deserved Martin’s pure love.

“Martin, there was never a reason for you to feel guilty! It was my choice to desert and _I_ think it saved my life. The Front would have been dangerous as well, there was no safe place to be. The war had already been lost!” Why did nobody understand that?

“But you got shot!” The guilt in Martin’s eyes and voice was nearly overwhelming and Otto wondered at which point of the conversation they had started to switch their roles. Now it was Otto reassuring Martin that what had happened was not his fault. 

“Yes, that’s true, but you carried me to the shelter, risking your own life!”

“There was nothing heroic about what I did, Otto. I nearly failed!”

There was not much, Otto remembered of the moments after his injury. The only memory of being carried to Sauerbruch was about a hot, sharp pain and Martin’s voice telling him to stay awake. Martin’s tone had been a mixture of fear, despair, and pain. Mental as well as physical pain. It must have been horrible for the amputee, to carry nearly his own body weight down the wooden ladder and the stairs…

“But you didn’t fail, you saved me. You are my hero, Martin!” And with this, he leaned in and kissed his lover, carefully so that he didn’t hurt him again.

The sound of a creaking door made them take a step back and look in that direction.

“I owe you an apology. I didn’t want to increase your self-doubts, Martin… It’s just a bit much for me right now and maybe it’ll take some time, but I like you and I’m sure that you will take care of my son. I’ll do my best to accept your relationship, so welcome to the Marquardt family, Martin.” Ilse explained, her voice quiet but determined, filling Otto’s heart with love and joy.

The young doctor watched his lover amusedly as he searched for some words. 

“I’m honoured. Thank you very much Ilse.” The young nurse said finally, a shy smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, at this point I decided to finish my little fanfiction.  
> Maybe the end is a bit corny, but I really wanted to grant these two cuties a happy end...  
> I hope you enjoyed reading and I appreciate every kind of feedback, so I know what I can improve the next time :)


End file.
